It's been a while......
A couple of days ago I managed to see Amazing Grace, the movie. And what a movie. Make sure you see it. Funny how names like William Wilberforce conjur up images in your mind of old people dressed in suits and speaking in olde English. At least it always did for me. The movie really blew away those preconceptions and showed how Wilberforce and the Prime Minister of his Day (Pitt I think) were young vibrant men with a mission from God. I've always been interested in slavery because of the modern problems with human slavery and found every minute of the film totally captivating.
One theme which resonated with me when an ill Wilberforce was being encouraged by those around him to slow down and get his health back, but he knew God had called him to a life of challenge and service. I still feel the same way about my own life in many ways but i tell you, I've never been so confused.....
One of the reasons I'm confused is this - I've no idea any more what being a Christian means. All my life (until about 5 years ago) I thought my Northern Ireland Presbyterian (with a little bit of Elim and a heavy dose of brethren mixed in, what a cocktail!!) upbringing was 100% right. Strict rules on do's and don'ts, such a strong bible emphasis, a real evangelical. At 18 I thought I had it sorted. I was as tight as the proverbial duck's arse. But life started to challenge those beliefs. Prayers weren't answered for good people around me. Good people died. The church's I had belonged to had ceased to be a real influence, if they ever had been. Then I read Tony Campolo's "Letters to a young evangelical". He could have written that book for me. It challenged everything i'd ever been taught. And it made perfect sense. It almost left me without a foundation.
Then recently I read Shane Claiborne's first and only book to date. What a challenge. To live literally as Jesus had talked about. To give away everything. To forsake most things that the world offers. (Now may be the right time to tell you that I watched Amazing Grace on the plane to Florida for a family holiday. The guilt that this laid on me I can't begin to tell you. Especially after Shane's book.) How the H£$L am I supposed to figure out what God wants from me? Should I sell my girls two ponies and give the money to Compassion to feed the poor? What if that leads my two precious girls into a life of hanging out with bad mates when they would otherwise have been safe and sound in a good environment and on and on..... Should I not be in Florida where I really get the chance to leave a hectic and stressful life behind? Was that a wrong use of money? I honestly don't know the answers....
Then think of this. I have spent a lot of time recently in Romania. About 25 visits probably in the last few years. And built some amazing friendships and mentored a lot of kids. But recently I've began asking myself just how to explain the gospel to them. What is the gospel? How should they react? Is it really a matter of just saying the sinners prayer and being sorry for what we've done? I'm sorry, but I can't buy that anymore. And I know that would devastate some of my Northern Ireland religious friends. They'd think I've gone all liberal. Which in some ways I have.
Then I start to read Rob Bell's Velvet Elvis. What an amazing book. Read it all in the last two days . Totally broadened my horizons and my mind yet again. But in some ways it seems like yet another viewpoint. Another angle to consider which confuses the issue. But in still another way the whole point of the book is that we SHOULD be really struggling with our faith. We should be asking BIG questions. Because our faith's an alive and vibrant thing which moves and changes and flex's. Sacrilidge to all the Drewe's in Northern Ireland. But I believe true none the less.
So here's what I've decided. I'm in Florida now anyway. So best enjoy it. Best give my wonderful kids the time of their lives. Build memories that will last a lifetime. And read some more books as well. And maybe one day I'll understand. Maybe I'll come back to Florida, maybe I won't. But according to Rob Bell, that day may never come when I truly understand....
Get Rob's book and read it. Go to his Mars Hill church website and download some of his sermons. He has mind-blowing teaching in the book about Heaven. Again, teaching which totally challenges what I've always been taught. After I read it earlier tonight I found myself getting out of my bed, quietly walking to the room where my two boys were fast asleep, and sitting in the dark and smiling at them contentedly. Because I know that God is in control.
I hope this hasn't bored you - but I wanted to share my struggles and questions. How to best live as a Christian challenges me every day. I've learned so much recently about what it does and doesn't mean, yet it's still such a challenge to figure it all out. Sleep calls!
(I'll tell you a bit about Florida tomorrow).
1 comment:
“Amazing grace how sweet the sound that saved a wretch like me”
Problem with me is that I don’t think I am a wretch, I think I’m ok. Deep down I actually think I’m ok. I know the biblical answer that I’m born in sin and that I need a saviour and I accept that but perhaps I don’t have a full grasp of Christ’s love and what he has done for be because I have never really fully appreciated the depth of I once was lost”. Amazing Gracg was a class film, the most powerful and moving part of the film for me was when Albert Finney, blind in his old age stands crying over his past and says that he has learnt two things in his life….that he is a great sinner and that Christ is a great saviour. Oh how I wish I would cry over my own sin like that but I generally don’t because deep down I thing I’m ok. Thank God I know not to rely on my thoughts and feelings but rely on what God has told me in his word.
I have to confess my whole view of Christianity has greatly changed over this past wee while. The sinners prayer has become more meaningless for me than it ever was before and even my response to ‘praise and worship’ (singing and music etc) has faded into a numbness compared to what it use to be. That’s not to say it doesn’t have its place because it very much does and it was a major part of my ‘growing’ a number of years back its just that my whole perceptions of ‘Christianity’ have went arse up this last while.
I am struggling big time over these past couple of months with the whole money thing. I can’t shake it nor do I really want to. I remember coming home late at night a few months back and I saw a couple looking round new BMW cars and I started to cry (just like I’m nearly about to now). This culture we are in so selfish and the ‘church’ is as bad as the secular world. Like you, I don’t know where to draw the line either. We need certain amount of finances to get by but when you have a family to provide for you don’t want them living on the bare minimum….its a tough one. For me, I just cant splash out on a BMW or equally expensive car but then again I do save money in the bank and Jesus said not to build up treasures on earth. It all fries my head but one thing that has really challenged me is the geography thing. Because we are not living in a 3rd we are not faced with the sights and sounds of poverty every day. I try to do away with the geography barrier and think, if children were living in stray huts and dying of malnutrition of lack of clean water or didn’t even have shoes for their feet would I save as much money in the bank as I am currently doing. The answer is NO so why am I still saving money for myself!!!!
Perhaps I’m too wrapped up with the money thing at the minute, maybe I should focus more on trying to love people but to be honest I haven’t a clue how to do that. I get angry to quickly, I get pissed off with people too quick and I cant be arsed half time anyway, but of course these are all excuses and barriers I’m putting up that I should really be trying to deal with.
Don’t know if this is even a relevant response to your blog but here it is anyway. Your certainly not on your own, I can relate to everything you say, thing I’m struggling with a lot of the same issues. To be honest its no wonder we are struggling, this is not our home and we are also looking at it through rose tinted glasses so were never gona see it from God’s perspective until he comes back.
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